Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
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DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
How your email finds me
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.