A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
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My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
#StillHurts
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”