I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem