The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
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i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
multitasking lunch
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday