I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
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[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
They got Raph!
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
lost dog
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat