(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
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I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods