When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
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I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
HELP 😭
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
WTF
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.