Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
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MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
You’ll be OK
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs