Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

Quadruple digit IQ

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

hello pervert is such a strong opener

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.