Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
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ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.