My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
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Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax