The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
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[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
did it work
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd