I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.