If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
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The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
tis the season
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.