me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
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I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.