[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
My what?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Encore…
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911