Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
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if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal