if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
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I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
For the orator and chef in all of us
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?