I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
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when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word