If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
You Might Also Like
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
broke down and did it
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017