Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
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[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.