angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
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38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.