Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
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It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.