My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
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My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
True statement👍😏😁
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that