A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
You Might Also Like
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Something Saturday.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.