My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
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Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES