Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
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Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Best seat on the street 😍
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…