A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
You Might Also Like
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Not😆🤣
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…