Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
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I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Lol.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.