I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
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*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”