“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
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Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”