Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Ok but actually
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!