Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
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*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Solving a traffic jam
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.