There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
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WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
the three branches of government
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I believe the plural is “milves.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..