this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
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I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
adding to the discourse
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane