banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
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Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.