Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
You Might Also Like
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
This is not me but this is me
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.