I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
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What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Terribly Tuesday.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.