my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
*praying for world peace*
God:
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
LOL!
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”