the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
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Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
new wife guy just dropped
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.