On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
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so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Have kids, they said
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time