imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
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2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?