I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
![]()
You Might Also Like
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
![]()
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
My sex drive has a dui
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy