Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
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Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
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Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
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My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this