Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
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Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Yup!
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”