You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

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Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”


This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.


How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?


doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week


getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver


My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.


This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.


Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.


A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.


Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.