You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.