@RunOldMan

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

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@GrowlyGrego

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

@AmishSuperModel

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

@aaronflarin

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

@continentlbkfst

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

@DaddyJew

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

@_wangwe

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

@noog

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

@AlexvanBeek

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

@Daisyldoo

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.