My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
You Might Also Like
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …