I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
You Might Also Like
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying