I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
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Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT