I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
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[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”![]()
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.