I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

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“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.


1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?


It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.


I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore


I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.


I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.


I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.


Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.


The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen


Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.