I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Doctors texting each other.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.