I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– space bar
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
But that’s none of my business
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.