“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
i baked you a cake
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.