“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
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GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
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Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…