Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
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According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.